Hi there,
this newsletter started off with an intention to talk about a book and moved onto exploring the interior of my mind. I couldn’t tell which is more ambitious between the two, but here it is for your reading pleasure. TW: heartbreaks.
I have this childhood memory of myself burying my toe into a fluffy pillow. My toe, still thumping from moment earlier kicking into something, buried deep into something soft. I was convinced that this act would ease the pain. Without too much logic or understanding as to why it would help, a 4-year-old wouldn’t have anyway, I did it to make myself feel good, feel better. I don’t remember what happened to this self-remedy, but recently it resurfaced as I experienced an intense hangover (pre-covid time if that’s not obvious). In an attempt to comfort my splitting headache, I placed a plush over my head. My partner, Ben, found me in this state and asked if it helps. I didn’t for a moment doubt this method and said ‘Yeah. Soft things’.
Who taught us to feel good? Well, I am glad someone wrote a book on the topic, and a whole community of people advocate for all of us to feel good. I had a conversation on the book Pleasure Activism - The Politics of Feeling Good with my friend Gio (@giovanitaspatts), to unpack what we’ve learned from it. At some point in this newsletter, I would like to talk about how crying gives me pleasure. It will all make sense, or at least I will give it my best shot.
No Filter, No Pleasure
Someone winced at my praising of The Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic as Power by Audre Lorde, and I have no idea whether it was the word ‘Erotic’ that caused concern or me as a woman mentioning it, or both. I was disheartened by not even getting to the advocating part before the person walked off. Audre Lorde reclaimed the word for women, you know. The word ‘Erotic’ descended from its greek origin ἔρως érōs, is a concept referring to sensual or passionate love. Eros has also been used in philosophy and psychology in a much wider sense, almost as an equivalent to "life energy"1. It also plays a part in Platonic Love, in which old man Plato states that eros can contribute to an understanding of truth. Pair this with Lorde’s writing:
When I speak of the erotic, then, I speak of it as an assertion of the lifeforce of women; of that creative energy empowered, the knowledge and use of which we are now reclaiming in our language, our history, our dancing, our loving, our work, our lives.
To assume women using this kind of language to express (case in point: the mentioning of Erotic) as anything other than our truth, is quite frankly exploitation. To assume that when we speak of our deepest desire, and only equate that to sexual pleasure, is an act to diminish. It can be about sex, but it doesn’t have to be. It’s literally acknowledging that having strong feelings, is a powerful force. It can be applied to all gender, too. No more talking down feeling things, promise?
I remember I used to have a lot of raw feelings when I was younger, not in a hot-headed way, just a lot of feelings, all the time. Looking back, I see it in the passion for someone I was into, heartbreaks when they did not return the same passion, determination for a certain direction in my career, and a lot of unidentifiable melancholy and sadness.
All of which I was told to get hold of myself, while growing up in a middle-class household in Hong Kong. There were a lot of feelings being confined in the perimeter of my room, or they burst out and led to awkward encounters with peers. I still hold resentment for my parents’ dismissal and, quite frankly, gaslighting. To give such an advice as circumvent, to ignore the very thing that brings joy, it must have come from many layers of suppression for them too. I wonder how much of that has interrupted our filter to discern what brings us pleasure. ‘We are not trained to listen to that filter… or to develop that filter.’ Gio says, ‘(This filter of) looking at things and think “This, I can honestly deal with”, or “This, in all honesty I will not be able to look over, compromise.” We are educated, somehow, to betray ourselves. It sounds very dramatic, but (we are educated) to just overlook things that do not make sense to us, or that we are uncomfortable with, or that we are not sure we want. In every area of our lives too, in terms of who we hang out with, what we want to wear or look like, certain hobbies we might be interested in.’
We have been raised to fear the yes within ourselves, our deepest cravings. But, once recognized, those which do not enhance our future lose their power and can be altered. The fear of our desires keeps them suspect and indiscriminately powerful, for to suppress any truth is to give it strength beyond endurance. The fear that we cannot grow beyond whatever distortions we may find within ourselves keeps us docile and loyal and obedient, externally defined, and lead us to accept many facets of our oppression as women. 2
No, Woman. Cry.
Like baby me feeling the thumping toe against the pillow, there is pleasure in feeling things on all emotional fronts. To deny her from feeling pain at that moment, would be cruel and unreasonable, which would have left 4-year-old me in disbelief. Somehow, as we mature we felt the need to shorten the time we are allowed to be in our feelings (Gotta be real with it #EatingCakeQuotingDrake) or skip it entirely.
Recently, I unearthed a trauma. It was of a heartbreak and its consequential aftermath that happened years ago. It was a situation where there would be too many people to blame if I was ever going to. It was an institution with a history book as overlord, and good hearted people thinking they were doing the right thing. Yes, I am describing church. My feelings were denied (by people with more social power at the time) in honour of an exaggerated version of the pseudo belief in ‘the one’ in your life. 🤢
For years I described this incident as ‘being led on by a love interest’, or ‘I am the %X#Z$ that someone cheats with in two of his relationships’, because summarising it and not mentioning how I really felt was the way I coped. I kept secrets. I felt ashamed. I was also forced into maintaining seemingly functional relationships with people involved. There was no place for resentment. It was never resolved. I never had my closure.
It’s a common coping mechanism to deceive ourselves into believing that what we were going through wasn’t that big of a deal. Either we say it ourselves or others say ‘Stop being so dramatic’ to us for so many reasons (listed out in this essay On Gaslighting by Nora Samaran). In that, we forgo any chances of letting our feeling run its course, and worry about others mistaking it for drama. Here I was, not linking my reoccurring nightmares and hormonal imbalance as responses to trauma. To undermine our reality can be so disorienting.
One day a song stroke a very specific fibre, and I couldn’t stop crying. It reminded me of a very specific feeling of that heartbreak. Self-denial, and also crawling out of there with determination. I was bawling listening to the song. When it ended, I hit replay, and carried on sobbing. I did this on repeat for at least 3-4 more times, until I felt my contact lens blurred and my airway completely blocked. The thing is, if it wasn’t for not being able to breathe, I probably would have kept going.
As I was crying, I wasn’t thinking about the relationship or the person. I was thinking about myself, remembering how miserable, and most of all, how lonely I was back then. I never quite found a way to release or that I didn’t allow myself to let loose. (Except one time I watched Blue Valentine alone - I banned Ben from ever watching it and that’s very telling.) Listening to the song and its lyrics dislodged, unhinged something. After so many years, with most of those people involved no longer in my circle, I feel no need to get hold of myself. So I let those tears roar like Niagara Falls. Catharsis, and it feels so good to indulge in a good cry. It oozes pleasure.
Power Tools of Emotions
‘I like to think that’s what I do when I dance.’ Gio says. ‘…that’s the only area where I realise I don’t compromise, tone-down or put limits to how much satisfaction I can get from it. I love that most of the time it seems happy, but I’ve also danced through things that are not happy. It felt so organic to deal with things (that way). The nights I danced the most, the longest, are nights when I was dealing with something. That is not to say I am doing a sad dance or anything, and not that it makes me instantly happy. Sometimes I find when I dance the longest, the hardest, and giving myself into it, it’s when I am dealing with the most in my life. That’s why some time during the pandemic, I decided I have to dance whether that’s in the living room or with Pablo, or however. I’ve got to do it.’
The erotic is a measure between the beginnings of our sense of self and the chaos of our strongest feelings. It is an internal sense of satisfaction to which, once we have experienced it, we know we can aspire. For having experienced the fullness of this depth of feeling and recognising its power, in honour and self-respect we can require no less of ourselves. 3
Gio puts it in words so much more eloquently than I ever will. Pleasure doesn’t necessary mean happiness. It’s the simplest most intuitive thing, and also the most chaotic good in you too. The emphasis on happiness, determination or resolution sometimes flops on itself and so often leads astray from what brings us pleasure. It so often misnames sensations as our true feelings. The sensation of numbness without feeling the fulfilment of your work. The sense of direction in life which propels you to make choices, without feeling you are on the right track. The sensation of lavish gifts and meals of delicacy, but masking the feeling of resentment, misguided. Finding pleasure can well be the very thing that sustain us in our psyche.
I often think this heartbreak of mine was minuscule compared to the trauma experienced by others. However, I have come to terms with not denying that it still hurts living with this piece of artefact of my reality. I don’t want to say that it makes me a better person, because that’s not it. The feeling and emotions that arise are so rich, that they make me want to dive back into the bruise-pressing pain again and again. It’s a feeling when you know you can process it, and it makes me feel powerful. Everyone’s power tool to process reality is different. Gio’s is dancing, mine is crying. What’s yours?
PS. Since you guys have stuck around to read something so intimate about me crying, it’s only fair if I show you my face when I cry to encapsulate the whole idea. xx
Replaying my Shame by Emily Gould - There wasn’t enough room in this newsletter to talk about shame, and in any case I want to introduce the topic of pleasure activism in a lighter way. I learned a lot from this article on writing about retracing trauma and being emotionally vulnerable with humility and integrity.
Double-bill:
Against Catharsis: Writing is not Therapy by T Kira Madden
BoJack Horseman taught me that trauma doesn't have to have a purpose by Kofo Ajala - I am all for catharsis and I find the more important message here is that, you cannot force it or make it work for you. As cheesy as it sounds, you have to give it space and time in order for it to happen. Quite frankly, to be okay with it not having meaning, too. It doesn’t negate the need for therapy and proper help, it doesn’t mean it has no value in it. If anything, it will guide you down the right path to get well.
Poet and Philosopher David Whyte on the Deeper Meanings of Friendship, Love, and Heartbreak - Sampling Whyte’s eloquent writing on some wishy-washy topic (like, Heartbreak).
How to tell you friends about bad news - Genuinely good advice.
A Proven Method of Time-Travel - How I feel about writing this piece. I want to hug my younger self, and tell her that I know how it feels because I was you.
Thank you for being here. To those who’ve reached out to tell me how this humble newsletter resonates with you, you make me feel less alone and hope you feel the same too. 🌹
Hi, I am here quoting wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eros_(concept)
Long quote from The Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic as Power by Audre Lorde, that is to say just read the essay. It packs a hefty punch, so do take it slow if it’s too much.
You’ve guessed it - The Use of the Erotic: The Erotic as Power by Audre Lorde. Also the cornerstone that the book Pleasure Activism was built on.
Thank you for reminding me to revisit The Use of the Erotic. I read it years ago but I think I've fallen into the trap of understanding "the erotic" was too literally...and anyways, it's one of those pieces that are good to read from time to time as a reminder :) if you are interested in trauma, may I suggest the work of Peter Levine? His book Waking the Tiger explores how trauma (even from events we wouldn't normally consider as traumatic - e.g. minor surgery) can be resolved through bodily experiences.